So it’s now well over a month into my new life and I’m loving it! My new love is still as attentive as the day I met him and we’ve been away together for the weekend! I’ve just started realising how far I’ve come. No longer am I afraid to talk. I also had a new person share with me how she was raped which then I was able to make her feel better and that she has someone who understands her and feel supported. I’d love to get my tin shed sorted to create a support group in my area. There is not this type of support available anymore. The NHS should be ashamed that women are simply left after the initial crisis support. So in the future this is what I’ll do. Start a network for women – on line just like I’m doing with this blog x
So I’ve just had ” the visit” to say my case has a lack of evidence which seems on the surface to be based around time lines and evidence of the fact that my abuser had such a prolific weird sex life that he loved to be penetrated but not be the giver of such a said act. I’m not sure exactly how I felt when I was being told this as it was at work and I was trying hard to maintain my employee dignity. I feel a mixture of relief but immense injustice that if it had gone to court then I’d be cross examined and would have to hear about his greedy girls trans gender trasvestite orgy nights. I remembered the revulsion as I sat and endured the HIV and STD tests at the horrific GUM clinic following my reporting. I remember the relief as they told me I was all clear. I’m crying now as the officer in my case who we’ve shared something so horrific in my life will always have a special part in my life as it was he that stopped me from killing myself by just being there and somehow managing to lighten the horrific ness of this whole nightmare that he made me laugh. I’ll always be in his debt that he somehow got me through something I did not think I’d ever get through.
So I’m kind of shell shocked in a way now but in a weird way I just feel on a very basic level that I’m not dead and I’m not dying of aids and that there were people around me who believed me and though there are many unanswered questions it’s time now that I closed this door to this part of my life and started looking at the new good things that I’m being shown in my future and sometimes it’s a lesson life that if we can allow it to teach us it will serve us well in our future x So tomorrow’s a new day and I think I’ll call it the first day of the rest of my life now. I’ve not died. I’m not mentally ill, just scarred and yet my scars are healing and if I can live in the present and focus on my positives then at least I know I have a future. He will have to live despite being free for the rest of his life guilty for what he’s done forevermore. Thank you to the officer in my case – you’ll never know what a difference your resilience and objectivity yet compassion saved my life and allowed me my dignity which has allowed me another chance at life x
Well I hope im not tempting fate here but I’ve just fallen for someone big style! I didn’t choose him, he just popped into my life and I’m trying to hold back and be cautious about how I feel but I feel alive and free. Every time we talk I feel like crying as he melts me with his words and actions. I’ve never felt like this. I feel so vulnerable and am constantly trying to stop myself from going into overthink mode. I’m anxious with excitement and we made love. Not sex, I was in heaven – we just laid there looking at one another and I was overwhelmed and just wanted to unzip him and climb inside him and remain there forevermore. I’m not looking too far into the future as that’s what the counsellor said not to do but for the first time ever I feel like I will have one now. I’ve told him about the rape and he was brilliant and supportive and it’s not affected the way he cherishes me so completely. So cross fingers and toes that now this is the New Year tonight that next year is a very different one to the one I’ve just had. I know this is my forever road and my journey will never end till I die but to feel alive and this want so badly to be with my new love is simply amazing and I feel so thankful for being able to feel like i do. x
Well he was a nice guy. I deliberately chose him as I knew he’d be a safe bet. Someone who I could see if the act of sex would actually trigger flashbacks or not. He of course was oblivious to all this. So I had sex. I didn’t feel anything. He was over the moon naturally and afterwards I just felt like – well – right that’s it then – I think I will be ok?! I never felt anything for him. It was like I’d reclaimed a little of me back as this was something I’d done just for myself. After a while we just decided it was not right and I felt relief that I’d not hurt his feelings and let him believe he’d let me go. Following this I had a series of text chats with some really nice people but I completely lost my want to be part of a relationship. It was like I’d gone asexual. I began to feel annoyed at men’s sexual advances towards me. We’re they all that shallow I kept thinking. Turns out a lot of them are! So I even then gave up talking to them and resigned myself to a spinster type life! I enjoyed me time and spending time with just me. It felt safe and good and I used to crave going home at night closing the curtains and just sitting with my fluffy blanket over me. Selfish maybe but that’s what I needed – hibernation me time. I also had huge welling up moments of sadness and despair where I’d ring Samaritans and cry – because I knew they were safe people. I’ll always be grateful for the Samaritan lady at the end of that phone. She stopped me from wanting to crash my car and top myself. The random emails I sent to the officer in my case also helped me vent safely. He saved my life too. I did write him a thank you note I think at one point to say how grateful I was….. So then I was left with just me. and that was fine.
From “ pretending” you’re ok as counselling continues you come to realise that the key to real healing is firstly acceptance as to the fact you’ve been raped and you now have two sides of yourself. The first side which you likely loath is your victim side. Thing is you don’t really know at first you have disconnected in this sense. That’s the hardest part to get your head around. Though you may feel your victim side is weak and pathetic it’s actially a really strong compasssionate side. Your perception is that it’s your survivor side that’s your strong side. Whenever I used to talk about my experience my voice used to change – to break into my victim voice. I hated it with a passion. Now I’m learning to love this victim side of me and I can feel the two parts slowly coming together. I think there will always be a bloody big join down my middle and a scar but at least I’m living within one albeit scarred body.
So coping mechanisms whilst this slow healing takes place?
Its really all about trying to calm yourself down to stop the crippling anxiety or stress that permeates ones life. It’s allowing yourself when you’re alone to cry, to use Samaritans to vent your upset, to try not to starve yourself or overeat. It’s about trying to keep away from negative people or those that like to use you to offload their own issues and problems. It’s a minefiekd.
I don’t think you actually cope – you just flow along oblivious and then as time passes by you realise you feel better about things so by deduction you realise somehow you’ve coped.
My GPS counselling service rang me twice to ask if I was suicidal so then they may be able to move me up their waiting list. A sense of humour I realise helped me cope as I watch how many millions of pounds are pumped into support services yet in reality the ones that need it never see it practically.
So ive tried face masks, nice body lotions, pamper treatments, the works to try and “ be kind and nurture myself”. “ Coping as I’ve done is being able to continue to hold down your job, run a family and not allow it to have any effect on all this.
Coping is when you can finally talk about it to others without breaking down and without it having such a debilitating effect on you that you can co exist with it and begin to live a normal life once more.
Coping with it means you can look at a possible relationship and not want to run like forest gump to the other side of the world when someone says they are interested in you.
Coping is not healing. It’s just coping.
When you’ve first been raped you know something terrible has happened but because you’re in shock you still feel numb but still able to function.
As the time passes by the human form wants to heal.
Nausea – the worst nausea in the world – Like morning sickness but worse sweeps over you.
Inside you become dothery and shake – it’s outwardly not seen at all.
Then all of a sudden you feel faint and dizzy and you vomit
and as the flashback manifests it’s like someone in that alien film that unzips you obliterating you from the inside out – like internal combustion
You feel like you’ve entered a war torn zone
Everything is super sensitised
You can’t think or exist
Your relationships change with everyone
Then comes anxiety so crippling it paralyses you ….
this is the beginning and when you feel suicidal
You feel like you’ve been killed but as a sick joke someone’s stuffed you and kept you as a cruel exhibit ….
If you manage to keep existing through this unfolding nightmare then you gradually start to feel the loss – the loss of who you were, – you crave wanting the old you back – you miss yourself, you grieve the loss of all of your existing relationships, you may for the first time even lie to those you love to protect them so they don’t suffer by hearing what you’ve gone through
If you’re lucky to get counselling – proper rape trained counselling then you relive the experience over and over till you’re exhausted
The questions, the flashbacks worsen, it consumes your whole life, you pretend you are someone at work, you feel a complete fraud
You feel invisible, dirty, guilty, ashamed, like a piece of shit – not even as good as a piece of shit
Each time you have an interaction with anyone about being raped it feels like being raped all over again
You lie awake fearful at night
Will he return? Can you move from the scene of the crime? You overthink constantly
Then you become a shallow survivor hating loathing the victim side of you
Then comes the pain, gripping pain emotionally like someone stabbing you a million times over
and then the journey begins out of trauma to try to heal ….